Rerunning what qualifies as a classic post around here:
Oh, yes, there are rules:
1. Remember, St. Nick only got patristic on Arius’s hind-quarters because he stood up in council and started going on and on about Christ’s non-divinity and wouldn’t stop – so, Pow! Right in the kisser. Tempting though it might be to go out on the streets to smack some heretics around, that’s right out. Fortunately, you will not lack for appropriate targets even with this restriction.
2. So, as you contemplate where to start among heretics in the church who deny essential doctrine and won’t shut up, it is important to remember to keep your wrist solid and in alignment with the bones of your forearm. Heretic heads tend to be very hard and dense, so you run a serious risk of breaking several small but important bones in your hands if you do not follow proper punching technique.
3. You’re looking at a busy day ahead. All in all, it would probably be a good idea to get a corner man to tape you up. A cut man probably wouldn’t be amiss, as there’s some chance you might come across a heretic that doesn’t fold like an accordion file at the first hint of pain. They’re rare, but out there, and they can be feisty. But always remember: God is in your corner.
4. At the first sign of retraction, you’ve got to stop. No, really – this is brotherly correction, here. Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord, and all that. That said, we have it on good authority I just made up that a *few* extra shots would likely be considered heat of the moment venial sins at worse, so don’t let scruples unduly curb your righteous fervor.
5. We must be careful not to scandalize the faithful. If you are physically unable to deck a given heretic with a single clean shot, perhaps you should stick to argument and leave the physical discipline to St. Nick style manly men. An exception is made, of course, for the complementary sex: Gals, if you’ve got one of those round house slaps in you, have at ’em!
Yard Sale of the Mind 
I love telling this story, it really blindsides the “santa deniers” as I like to call them.
Right. Here’s a question that’s rattled around in the wide open spaces of my head:
Is Ransom’s fight with the devil in Peralandra based on this story?
That is a good question. My gut reaction is that it’s closer to Jacob wrestling with the angel. Come, o thou traveler unknown… Incredibly creepy passage, by the by. The disconnect of the machine-like patience, etc. It’s been a couple years since I last read that. What other parallels did you see? (Besides Ransom’s rocking beard, I guess?)
The most striking scene in Perelanda. Ransom wrestling with his conscience about what to do about the possessed Weston’s temptation of Venus’s Eve – he tries what any civilized Englishman would try, talking him down, then running interference – and sees it isn’t working, and ends up, reluctantly, realizing that he needs to kill him – out of Cristian love for Eve.
This was being written during WWII.
I imagine Nicholas sitting there as Arius goes on and on, rejecting the divinity of Christ, and maybe even getting some bishops to listen sympathetically, when, finally, he felt compelled to act. Not a hothead throwing punches around, but a good man in an impossible situation.
That’s about all I was getting at. It is tempting to go on, but, for once, I’m going to resist. 😉
That makes sense. My memory of it was more of the actual descriptions and actions than the reasoning Ransom went through.
Will points be subtracted for the use of a blunt instrument? If the blunt instrument is my Ignatius Study Bible, does that exacerbate or ameliorate the offense?
These are tough questions, but we can appeal to Tradition for help. First, you get the girl dispensation – you don’t have to deck your heretic with a single blow. But the model to which we aspire is St. Nick’s bare-knuckles take down, so blunt objects are not exactly cricket. I think the best look, most in keeping with St. Nick’s example, and most efficacious for the salvation of souls, would be an open-palmed slap. We’re not talking love pat, here – if you remember to rotate your upper body from the waist and follow through – to paraphrase Mike Tyson, you’re slapping 2′ past the heretic’s head – then, well, you could spin his head around like a top and make a lasting 5-digit impression on the miscreant!
And, when you do, get pictures, maybe video.
This is what we converts have been pleading for: real-world guidance on how to live the Faith!
You have found your calling.
We cradle Catholics live in constant fear that converts, lacking our guidance, will, with the best of intentions, take a tire iron to a Jesuit or plain-wrap nun. It is a fine line: they are Sooooo asking for it, yet, alas, we are to leave that level of judgement to Our Lord, or at least, to the Inquisition.
But charitably slapping ’em around a little, in celebration of the feast of Good St. Nick? Have at it!
This is all very refreshing. I’ve often said (got it from my father) that sometimes the Christian thing to do is to punch someone in the face. I usually get gaping mouths in response to that, too.
We’ll need to do a King St. Louis of France’s Rules for Running Barbarians Through With the Sword next…
I’m ready!
His feast day is August 25th. Have to wait a bit…
My thoughts recoil at the possibility of hitting anyone, even a heretic, with a Bible. Maybe if you have a very large print edition of a Jehovah’s Witness Bible.
Really glad to have found your blog via TOF. This and the alligator posts are truly laugh-out-loud funny. Thank you.
Thanks you, and thanks for reading Merry Christmas!