The St. Louis of France Day Guide to Dealing With Barbarians

In the spirit of the St. Nicholas Day Guide to Punching Heretics, we here expand on a comment attributed to St. Louis of France, as relayed by Chesterton: : 

I must either argue with an infidel as a real philosopher can argue, or else “thrust a sword through his body as far as it will go.”

He’s got a sword.

Of course, there are rules: 

1. If you’re not the king, or have a similar set of duties, then you don’t get to shishkabob barbarians under normal conditions. I mean, really, if every right thinking individual went around skewering all the loud mouth balloon-heads just begging for it, what would that look like? It would be awesome! But we still can’t do it. 

Now, some may rightly protest that these are hardly normal conditions, what with barbarians running most of our political, “news” and social institutions. Yet, as much as many talking heads undeniably both blaspheme and reveal themselves incapable of rational argument, it’s really not our place as civilians to disembowel them, no matter how much they’re asking for it. 

Of course, if you are a king or have similar responsibilities toward good public order, have at ’em. Just keep your sword sharp, and try not to prolong the miscreant’s suffering beyond reasonable bounds. 

2. For the rest of us, it is rare for that we would be confronted with a sword-running-through levels of barbarity that we need to take care of. The most we can do is importune the king, praying His Majesty do his duty. Only if the social order has broken down to the point where total chaos prevails (scheduled for next Thursday, last I checked) would we dare to take such an awesome, if deeply gratifying, responsibility on ourselves. But a guy can dream. 

So, just in case, here’s a few pointers: 

– When done, clean your blade on the grass, or the now-dead barbarian’s clothes. No need to be messy, and cleanliness is next to Godliness. 

– Something along the lines of a cavalry sabre is probably the best choice for weapon. While a claymore or longsword are very impressive, and make people dead real good, where do you keep it? And they’re a pain to accessorize – you need a kilt and a charger and goodness knows what else. 

Impressive, but not practical.
Now we’re talkin’. Perfectly useable, and stylish to boot.

– It’s really important to play fair. Give the barbarian a heads up, such as saying, as you draw your sabre, “If you don’t zip your gaping pie hole Right Now, you mewling baboon, I will be forced to darken the floor with your entrails.”  Of course, you work up a warning that you feel comfortable with – put a personal touch on it. 

– Finally, if they do shut up (unlikely) you really must stop. That said, if you happen to nick them up a bit in the heat of the moment, or whack ’em silly with the side of your blade, your confessor will probably go easy on it.

3. Fantasy aside, in virtually all real-world situations, we need to fall back onto the St. Nicholas rules for punching heretics linked to above. Just remember: brotherly correction! Revenge is mine, sayeth the Lord, and all that.


Author: Joseph Moore

Enough with the smarty-pants Dante quote. Just some opinionated blogger dude.

2 thoughts on “The St. Louis of France Day Guide to Dealing With Barbarians”

  1. Joseph,

    A cavalry sword? Pffff! Ya want a gladio. Compact and extremely lethal. Awesome for slashing and hacking limbs and viscera in one swing or thrust. And follow up with a pugno. Ideally both will be a modernized versions with ceramic/titanium blades.
    Remember barbarian deserve only the best slashing or hacking


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