A Thought on Arguments Regarding the Upcoming Election

Man In Black:  Really. Pause. In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.

Vizzini:  For the princess? The Man in Black nods. To the death?  Nods again.  I accept.  Sheaths dagger.

Man In Black:  Good.   Then pour the wine.  Sits, pulls out a small vial, uncorks it, and offers it to Vizzini.  Inhale this, but do not touch.

Vizzini:Sniffs vial.  I smell nothing. Returns vial.

Man In Black:  What you do not smell is called Iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.

Vizzini:  Hmm.

Man In Black: Turns away from Vizzini with the goblets, to pour the poison in. Goblets replaced on the table, one in front of each.  All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right… and who is dead.

Vizzini:  But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you:  are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy’s? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Man In Black:  You’ve made your decision then?

Vizzini:  Not remotely. Because Iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

Man In Black:  Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Vizzini:  WAIT TILL I GET GOING! Where was I?

Man In Black:  Australia.

Vizzini:  Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder’s origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Man In Black: You’re just stalling now.

Vizzini:  YOU’D LIKE TO THINK THAT, WOULDN’T YOU?  You’ve beaten my giant, which means you’re exceptionally strong, so you could’ve put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you’ve also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Man In Black:  You’re trying to trick me into giving away something. It won’t work.

Vizzini:  IT HAS WORKED! YOU’VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE POISON IS!

Man In Black:  Then make your choice.

Vizzini:  I will, and I choose– What in the world can that be? Vizzini gestures up and away from the table. The Man In Black looks.

Man In Black:  What? Where? Vizzini switches the goblets. Turning back. I don’t see anything.

Vizzini:  Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. Smirks.

Man In Black:  What’s so funny?

Vizzini:  I’ll tell you in a minute. First, let’s drink. Me from my glass, Picks up glass. and you from yours.
They drink.

Man In Black: Pointing. You guessed wrong.

Vizzini:  You only think I guessed wrong! That’s what’s so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well known is this:  never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha– Stops suddenly, and falls dead, to his right.

The Man in Black removes Buttercup’s blindfold.

Buttercup:  Who are you?

Man In Black:  I’m no one to be trifled with. That is all you ever need know. He unties her hands and feet.

Buttercup:  And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.

Man In Black:  They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to Iocane powder. He grabs her arm and they run off.

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Author: Joseph Moore

Enough with the smarty-pants Dante quote. Just some opinionated blogger dude.

11 thoughts on “A Thought on Arguments Regarding the Upcoming Election”

  1. OK…and now how is that supposed to help us decide between two evils, Hillary and Trump? Do you mean vote for the Libertarian (which my wife and I plan to do)?

    1. I’m not sure. Every time I look at the candidates, I think: clearly, I cannot choose the wine in front of me AND just a clearly I cannot choose the wine in front of you. Ya know? The temptation to walk away is pretty strong, except then maybe the Princess dies.

      As a Californian, I’m waiting to see if, however unlikely, my vote is even going to matter – the state is very probably going to go strong to Hillary (especially once the machine gets rolling), so that my vote is likely meaningless, and I can vote (as I often have) for, you know, a candidate I can actually support, one that doesn’t offend every logical, moral and political fiber of my being. If, somehow, it so happens that Trump pulls close enough where it is reasonably possible that my vote might matter, then things get interesting. I can hardly get my brain around the idea that I might even find it necessary to vote for that narcissistic buffoon, especially since it’s very possible he was run (whether he is conscious of it or not) as a false flag operation, as the only guy Hillary could actually beat. But, good Lord! What an appalling choice to even consider.

      The Iocaine might be in both glasses – and I haven’t spent years developing an immunity.

      With any luck, you and I are going to vacate this vale of tears before things get French Revolution level bad. I’m trying to prepare my kids for the worst. It has really come to this?

      1. You’re in California? Then, like me (I’m in Illinois) you can take some comfort in your complete freedom from any personal responsibility. Our states are going to vote for the Democrat — or, if by some some miracle Trump is competitive in either state, that will inevitably mean he’s running so far ahead that the less Blue states will put him comfortably over the top no matter what you or I do.

      2. True, that. The thread that connects both states: the teachers unions are so powerful you simply cannot cross them politically and expect to survive. And they go Democrat harder than an advanced-placement calc test. (or something…)

  2. Fun fact: I used this scene as an audition monologue for a show in high school (“You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown”). Didn’t get a role in that one, but that same year I did end up as the Wizard in “The Wizard of Oz”.

    But I was told I nailed the monologue.

      1. The part you want is Snoopy. That’s the fun one. The one guy in my school who could really act got it, because 1) he could really act, and 2) he could not carry a tune in a bucket with 2 Sherpas to help him out. He just blasted through the snoopy number atonally with lots of vim and vigor – remarkable how well that worked.

        I don’t miss high school in the least. Just got an invite to a 40th reunion party – very unlikely I’ll go. Drama and basketball and reading on my own were all that got me through.

    1. Too bad! This says more about the size (smallish) and level of competency in the drama dept at my high school (very low), but as a tall dude who could carry a tune, I got great roles, including Charlie Brown. There was effectively no competition. Plus, Charlie Brown is pretty much type-casting in my case. Good Grief!

      1. Oh, I did well in high school shows. Ever heard of “The Fantasticks”? I was the character of Bellomy. In an eight person show I got a role with several scenes and multiple songs. It was a ton of fun.

        The Wizard is a pretty good role itself.

        And last year – out of High School – I was Abner in “42nd Street”. Small role, but fun – I was part of the small ensemble in “Lullaby of Broadway” for one thing.

        And I’ll be auditioning this summer. Ah, I do love theatre.

      2. Haven’t done anythings since high school. Was Matt in Fantastics. Yep, Bellomy is a fun role. But with childeren – it’s bewilderin’. theater is one of the myriad things at which I have no discernible talent. So my eldest daughter goes and gets a theater degree – go figure.

      3. Someone else who’s heard of the show! At last! I thought I was the only one.

        I like to think I’m realistic about my own talent level. I’m a poor singer and a “Stop him from moving, he’ll hurt himself”-level terrible dancer, but if I put my mind to it I’m a pretty good actor.

        Theater is just too difficult of a field to get a career in to be worth it for me – and not to mention, I consider theatre culture toxic. I’m very happy coming in to amateur shows as a theater outsider, but I don’t want to live in that world.

        Well, I kind of do, but I know it’s not a good place to be.

        I have respect for people willing to put the work in. My best friend, also Catholic, is moving to NYC to pursue a career in technical theater. It’s just not worth the extra effort to me. I’d rather get a more marketable career. There’s more than one road to happiness.

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